1st - 3rd July

Tour balances are due, so if you don't want to annoy the Tour Secretary (who, if you need any reminding is the sole allocator of accommodation!), then I suggest you get them in the post yesterday...

Mike Ireland (veteran seamer and occasional funky tweaker) has switched the tour around this year and we'll be taking the waters at Bath, hosted by the furry Geordie himself Mike Watts. Since his self-enforced exile from leafy Warwickshire, Mike has set the pub cricketing world alight (or would if he'd been able run a bit faster - see here for further details). In the words of our beloved secretary: "Clearly the hairy boozer isn’t as quick out the traps as he used to be...." - there's clearly only one way to settle this....

There are a number of tour virgins this year, so expect the Judge to be merciless (in his infinite wisdom). All four are making their tour debuts on the Friday night fixture which must be some sort of record! The more perceptive of you may also have noticed the absence of Messrs Ireland and Peirson from their traditional Friday night outing - I'm sure this bodes well for the bar takings at The Ram, but possibly not for their performances against The Star on Saturday...

Friday

The Ram - 6:00

Saturday

The Star - 2:00

Sunday

Combe Down - 2:30

Pre-tour Report

As is the usual custom, the motley crew of Peirson, Jones, Ireland and Timms made their excuses to their nearest and dearest and set off for a reconnaissance of the tour hotel and match venues. You could try and argue that this is just a natural extension of the advanced planning and preparation that helped England secure the Ashes over this winter, but I wouldn't bother :-) The following report was supplied by the Tour Secretary and it is given in its unexpurgated glory (pictures from Mushie are also available here)

The Green, Green Grass of Bath

Thursday morning and the Timms-wagon sped towards Cirencester, encountering less wind resistance since he misjudged the Royal Priors car park and lost his roof rack. We arrived at The Wild Duck in Ewen, the latest entry in the Richard Jones Good Pub Guide, and we weren’t disappointed. This delightful Cotswold inn is home to Purdy Ale, an amazing tipple from an unnamed brewery that subsequent internet searches have failed to identify.

After an excellent lunch and a stop-off at The Potting Shed in Crudwell (where the chairman switched to Campari!) we made our way to Bath to check out the much-maligned Redcar Hotel. Tony skilfully negotiated the car park, which was just about big enough to house the Land Rover and two Sinclair C5s, leaving us ready to enter and explore our tour base. Despite the crucifixions on Trip Advisor the Redcar is perfectly acceptable and comparable with previous venues, however the location of narrow streets of stylish Georgian town houses, only two minutes from the town centre, make this an exceptional setting for our break.

After dumping our bags we took the ten minute drive out of town to inspect the grounds. The Sulis Club pitch looked in good nick and I suspect there may be some leather chasing on the Saturday. The clubhouse, however, resembled a derelict repossession so I sense we may be getting changed in the car park. A drive-by viewing of Combe Down, venue for Friday and Sunday, revealed that this will involve the least amount of match day travelling in BCC tour history.

Arriving back at base it seemed fitting to examine the local hostelries. After chatting to the affable hotel staff, who we suspected hadn’t got a national insurance number between them, we took a walk through Henrietta Park to check out the local taverns. “Are you the park ranger?” shouted a dishevelled character who looked like he’d been an extra in Deliverance. “It smells of s*** down there” he ranted, ignoring my assurances that I wasn’t custodian of the greenery.  Despite this advertisement for why cousins shouldn’t marry, the park is very picturesque and leads to The Pulteney Arms, an excellent real ale pub popular with the Bath rugby fraternity. The absence of Campari made Sandy improvise and persuade the young barmaid to keep supplying him with Pimms at which point we were joined by ex-Barford star Geordie Watts. The furry toper led us to his other main haunt, and my personal favourite, The Star Inn. The best way to describe this throwback to pubs of yesteryear is that the chairman chose to drink scotch!

With hunger gradually taking over we dined at a ridiculously overpriced Italian bistro before our final port of call, The Old Green Tree. By now we were starting to flag and drinking Pitchfork somewhere other than The Old Fourpenny Shop proved a little too surreal so we headed back to The Redcar (the bar consists of two lager pumps that were out of order so we turned in for the night).

Despite snoring and flatulence in fairly equal proportions we all managed to get a reasonable night’s kip and were on parade for breakfast which consisted of cereal, toast and what looked like some processed cheese and ham left over from a royal wedding party (we found several places around the corner serving the full English for those in need – Phil). Parking looks to be the only issue but Mushie was getting some information about the council car parks that we found fairly close by.

Richard was out in the alleyway topping up his nicotine levels when he was informed by one of the locals that hotel used to be owned by The Welsh Wizard, Tom Jones. I doubt Sir Tom would approve of the way The Redcar has deteriorated since his tenure but it’s more than adequate for a Barford tour.

It’s not unusual! 

Tour Update

Huge thanks to both Mike's for another hugely enjoyable, if ultimately unsuccessful, tour - although we did have the consolation of shooting ourselves in the foot with both barrels in the Saturday game (see match report below!). The sun shone, beer was quaffed (although not by all), and much fun was had by all (at least judging from the email storm that's been raging this week). Here's hoping we'll be allowed back next year :-)

Match Reports

As in previous years (more or less) unadultered match reports from the skippers can be found below...

The Ram v Barford CC - Friday 1st July

RAM RAID HALTS BARFORD

Barford started their 2011 tour with a respectable but perhaps predictable defeat to The Ram losing by 40 runs.

It started so well. Winning the toss, captain Chris Prince decisively chose to field having fully considered the conditions, the pitch and balance within his team. He opened the bowling with Simon Hawkins and Andy Hawkins hoping to confuse the scorers if not the batsmen. Simon Hawkins managed to bowl the opener third ball and at this stage of the match Barford were clearly on top.

Things started to go wrong in the sixth over. Phil Morris was bought into the attack and his over proved a challenge to the keeper, the fielders, the umpire, the scorers but unfortunately not the batsmen. Records are made to be broken but hopefully it will be some time before Barford concedes so many runs in an over.

The balance of The Ram innings saw some big hitting from Sunil, James and Mark but to be fair some tidy bowling from Shawn Harris (2 wickets), Richard Jones and Chris O’Reilly (1 wicket each). Additionally Shawn deserves special mention for a fine run out as well as generally stopping most balls that flew his way in the field.

Chasing a total of 148 Barford opened with Simon Drage (10) who made a solid if not spectacular start and Chris O’Reilly (3) who was run out trying to push along the score. Ben Griffin (11) then continued to provide fielding practice, peppering the field with potential catches until one was finally taken.

This bought Andy Hawkins to the crease who proceeded to bat with increasing confidence until his forced retirement at 25. Unfortunately no other batsman was able to get established and the match ended in perfect symmetry with Simon Hawkins 19 no and Andy Hawkins (who had returned to the crease) 32 no closing the Barford innings on 108 runs after our allotted 20 overs.

After the game we retired to The Ram pub where our opponents were excellent hosts. Over several pints of excellent ale we were able to share stories of how the ball had kept low, moved off the seam etc and the result soon felt closer than it probably was. In summary an excellent start to the tour against very friendly opponents.

The Star v Barford CC - Saturday 2nd July

So we met up in the Star for a pre-match drink. I wouldn't have referred to this but it turned out to have more impact on the afternoon's events than might otherwise have been expected. Tour latecomer, Richard Johnson, was looking for a game and Mike "Hairy Northern pit pony" Watts, AKA "Geordie" was looking for a couple of men to shore up his All-Star IX and make it XI.

Rich was duly put forward and snaffled up by the Newcastle exile. He then set out on a begging mission for one more three legged dog/hamster/goldfish, anyone, to get the XI factor. At this point one who shall remain nameless (alright, it was yours truly) helpfully piped up "Geordie, Ben's looking for a ga......" and before he could stop himself, the said numpty had volunteered the best all-rounder on the tour to bat for the other side (so to speak, and bowl, as it turns out)!

And so we removed to the Sulis Cricket ground, pulling up to see one game underway involving a bloke in a storm trooper outfit and another pitch occupied by a team with a rather strenuous looking warm up routine. This can't be right, thought us, but a quick recce turned up the pitch, approximately 1/3 mile from the changing rooms, almost in the next parish, but what a lovely pitch it was!

We gathered ourselves and waited for the 2:30 start. Skipper Morris negotiated with Geordie that he could either bat Ben or bowl him, not both. Said Northerner played dumb and didn't appear to grasp this concept, saying "Howay man, petal man a canny bag o' tewda....arl burl him a bit and bat him at number eeyat", or something like that.

So we proceeded to toss and Barford lost it. I agreed with Geordie's decision to bat first (as in, if we'd won the toss I'd have elected to bat first as well) but nevertheless proceeded to set the field. "Spread out lads", "Give yourselves ten or so". "in on the one" etc. etc.

So off we went. Tim "finger snapper" Jolly opened the proceedings and cleaned up one of their openers pretty quickly. Then he did it again with their No3. No 2 went on to 13 before Mike "only on tour" Ireland tweaked him, LBW with a very polite "How is that?", ably supported by none of his team mates. Up went the finger and off went No2. No 5 came out and made 5 before Keeper Morris snaffled a stumping off another of Ireland's off breaks.

Meanwhile, at the other end, Richard "Statto" Johnson was steadlily betraying his club mates with a neat 12. Even citing an innocent spectator behind the bowlers arm as off putting and holding up the game. Terrible sportsmanship what? Club Captain O'Reilly soon put paid to such insubordination and gamesmanship though and took a good catch off one of Paul "Web Master" Johnstone's seamers.

On came a big hitter at No 6, systematically knocking his way to 51. A post drinks bowling change though saw Simon "Andy is not my father" Hawkins brought back on by Morris and we were rewarded with a great catch at point from PJ. Over optimistically Morris said to the gathered huddle, "I think we've got a great chance now lads". Famous last words, eh? On came Ben "that's not how you spell Judas" Griffin proceeding to try and sledge the keeper with numerous witticisms. For once, Morris elected to keep his mouth shut in response (or he may have been stunned in to a dumb silence) and got on with the job of chopping and changing the field, his cap, helmet, bowling attack, you name it he tried it! At the other end wickets kept tumbling but Griffin knocked on...and on...and on....to 33 N.O.

Eventually Geordie made his entrance to a Barford Guard of Honour. He nurdled 4 runs before the genius change of bringing on Chris "I can only bowl googlies" O'Reilly. Three balls later Umpire Romyn was feeling a bit peckish and decided it was time for tea so Geordie was a gonner ,LBW, and the Star were all-out for 150.A gettable total we thought. The bowling attack shared the spoils with Andy "virgin mary" Hawkins acheiving 4-0-24-1 wkt, Gary "Call me Sonic" Dunn 5-0-23-0, Simon Hawkins 8-0-43-1, Mike Ireland 6-0-37-2, Paul Johstone very economically 4-0-7-1, Chris O'Reilly 0.3-0-2-1 and, most impressively, Tim Jolly 8-4-10-4. Well bowled Timbo!

So out went the openers, Sandy "the Chairman" Pierson and Steve "Erdsy" Herring. Sandy forgot to concentrate and was caught off his third ball for zip - unlucky Sandy! Chris O'Reilly then came to the wicket and swiftly added 27 to the total, surviving at least one dropped catch at the butter fingers of Ben "quite un-safe hands" Griffin. Meanwhile Erdsy proceeded to take the shine off the ball for a good few overs. He was clean bowled by Rowan, for (a well knocked) 1. PJ came on and proceeded not to hang about, departing having been caught off the sublime bowling of Ben "integrity counts for nothing" Griffin. To be fair though, Ben did go on to try and rescue his Barford reputation with another couple of dollies dropped.

So out came Pete "not very much on tour" Fisher. And, very shortly afterwards, back in came Pete Fisher, having been caught sensationally, one handed, between square leg and midwicket, by none other than Richard "one time in a hundred" Johnson, off the bowling of some bloke called Griffin. "Caught Johnson bowled Griffin for nought are they taking the p*ss?" was Pete's utterance.

Meanwhile, Morris' plan to shore up the middle order came in to play with Simon "who needs a mongoose?" Hawkins. He diligently set about the bowling and nurdled, cajoled and occasionally smacked his way to 42. Following Fisher's treacherous dismissal, Simon's brother Andy, then came to the crease; Morris having elected to drop himself down the order a bit.

What came next was a beguiling demonstration of incorrect shot choice combined with an excellent eye. Always play across the line is A. Hawkins's motto. Geordie tried to set the field but he had no idea where the ball would end up next, just like Andy, in fact. Griffin, trying his hardest to impress his new team mates, threw everything in to each delivery. How he avoided a stress fracture of the shin is incredible. The ball nipped, swerved, dipped, spun.....oh hang on, the ball went straight as a die at mediocre pace and Hawkins (A) mis-timed one to be caught (possibly by another rebel, Geordie, although the scorecard isn't so clear on this) for 33. He was swiftly followed by Gary Dunn who swashbuckled at a couple before succumbing for nowt to the narcolepsy inspiring bowling of Griffin. It was getting close at this point and in order to try and win the game Morris dropped himself to 10 so in came big Tim Jolly to partner S. Hawkins. They smashed it around a bit before, Griffin (who else) trapped him LBW. Romyn's finger went up again and off went Simon. "yes there were no arguments about that one it was pretty plumb" or words to that effect, he said, in typically understated fashion.

So in came Morris, faced four balls and was clean bowled, for zilch, by that bloke Griffin. This was starting to get tedious. So it was left to Tim and our resident No 11 Mike Ireland to save the game. At that point the treacherous Geordie brought on Richard "anything Griffin can do I can do just as well" Johnson and Jolly was caught for 7. We were all out for 138 and the Starford won by 12 runs.

In all it was a very exciting match, which rolled one way then the other. I honestly thought we were going to win with the Hawkins Brothers at the wicket. However, like that other unrelated showbiz duo, the Righteous Brothers, they only had a limited supply of hits before their time was up. Sadly the twitch in the tail wasn't enough to carry us through to the victory. Who knows though, without the two ringers who we helpfully supplied, I suggest the result would have been very different.

After the game we adjourned to the Pulteney for beers, dinner and fines and a ritual humiliating of Griffin and Johnson. Neither of them seemed particularly concerned though, to their credit. My thanks to the team for trying their best and let's see what happens next year. Maybe Geordie will have become a Mackham by then, and forgotten how to win?????

Combe Down v Barford CC - Sunday 3rd July

Well in time honoured fashion, as captain of the Sunday side it has fallen upon me to write a report of the game. Simon Hawkins informs me that it must be an accurate account of the game and I must not stray from the truth. So with my left hand on the bible, "I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me judge Jolly". Its actually July's edition of Mayfair I’m holding and this is my report so I will tell it as I remember it. Sorry Simon.

On a beautifully sunny afternoon we took on the Cross Keys of Coombe Down. After winning the toss I decided to bat first. At this point there was no strategy involved, it had nothing to do with the weather conditions or the state of the pitch or the fact that two members of my team were still in the pub. (“Sorry skipper, we thought it was a 2.30 start”). It was in fact because I felt collectively we needed more time to sober up, after two very heavy nights out on the town.

So to the baying jeers of the home crowd, well a lady and her six year old daughter sitting on a blanket next to me. My first two gladiators took to the arena. James Wilson and Sandy Peirson.  The plan was very simple. Attack, attack attack.  Unfortunately Sandy was slain in the second over, caught at point whilst playing his first attacking shot. With his head hung low and the bitter taste of disappointment in his mouth after carding a duck, an apologetic Sandy returned to the club house. With the score on 14-1 Paul Johnstone picked up his battle-gear and strolled to the crease.
James and Paul put on one heck of a show, cutting, thrusting and driving the opposition back. The foundation for a proper innings was being well and truly laid. Just as I began to relax and think to myself, we can do this, James was caught out by one that kept low. But he had opened well with 34 and we were on 97-2. We took drinks and Ben joined Paul at the crease.

In the 22nd over to the delight of the travelling army of fans (Chris, Simon and Erds’y) Paul hit his 50. Unfortunately though, we had not finished clapping or re-taken our seats before he was out, caught for 52. Peter Fisher went in next, but was sent straight back without scoring as the curse of Pete Roymn’s crooked finger struck. Was another one of Barford’s notorious collapses on the cards? With the score now on 100-4 it was my turn to join the fight.

It wasn’t long before Ben and I started playing some attacking shots in an effort to push up the run rate.  But Ben was caught for 17 and the score was now 131-5, time to enter Shawn (I’ve got special needs) Harrison.  Unfortunately though Shawn was paying too much attention to the two girls playing tennis at the side of the pitch and not to the one that nipped back and he was gone for a duck.  Next came Judge Jolly who smashed a four off his first delivery almost carving me in half whilst taking evasive action.  Going for another big hit the Judge was caught and it was time for Tony Timms.

After pinching a couple of quick singles, Tony faced up to a change of bowler and Coombe Downs 12th man Pete Romyn.  The combination worked perfectly as Tony was given out LBW and Pete had two wicket’s to his name.  With the overs ticking away and the score on 149-8, could we get to the magical 200?  It looked possible as Richard Jones hit a couple of glorious fours straight back over the bowlers head and I smashed a massive six. But the home side went back to the successful pairing of bowler and Romyn.  The ball hit my pads, the bowler appealed and Pete, who I think was about to pick his nose, realised everyone was watching him and  stopped himself in mid action which left his finger waiving just in front of his face.  I was out LBW just shy of a tour 50, and Pete not to be outdone by anyone had his hat-trick. I’m sure you still owe everyone a drink Pete, as I don’t recall you buying a jug. Ha ha. In came our last man Phil (New Gloves) Morris who helped push the score by a run before he was caught and we were all out for 192.

We had set a target which was going to make an interesting game – but would it be enough?  We then broke for a bite to eat. I must thank our hosts for a lovely tea in particular the delicious homemade cakes which everybody complimented.  You will all be pleased to know that as I was so impressed I have contracted the cake maker to cater for my next marriage – Well, you all know what a sucker I am for wedding cake!
As I mentioned earlier it had been a long hard weekend and we took to the field for the second half of the game looking like a team of Orc’s about to invade Middle Earth rather than a team of cricketers from the picturesque village of Barford.

The attack was opened by Wilson and Griffin and we were soon celebrating as Ben removed one of their openers for 4.  However their batsmen quickly got into their stride and started knocking the ball around.  The first bowling change saw Jolly and Johnstone come into play.  As the batsmen started to take control of the game one of those sporting moments came along which will remain in the memories of those present for evermore. As PJ bowled, their batsman smashed the ball toward square leg (shurely backward point - ed). I, Simon International, fielding at deep mid-wicket (?! - ed) instantly reacted by taking a few steps to the right before flinging myself down low to the right.  At full stretch a diving one-handed catch and flamboyant roll saw the batsman heading back to the pavilion in utter disbelief.  Those present instantly compared the catch to the impossible save made by Gordon banks to deny Pele may years ago.  Would this now inspire the Barford cricket team?  PJ continued to bowl and in the next over claimed his second wicket of the match.  At 79-3 we were back! 

At drinks there was nothing in it as the scores were almost identical with everything to play for.  Their batmen came out of the blocks firing so Richard Jones was bought into the attach to see if he could break them up.. and that is exactly what he did.  The first one was clean bowled 119-4, then the next was caught and bowled 119-5 and Richard was on a hat-trick.  The field closed in, as like a pack of bloodhounds we could smell a jug back at the pub later.  Sadly it wasn’t to be.  Although there would not be a taste of Doombar, there soon followed the champagne moment of the tour.  The ball was played between Tony Timms and Richard Jones who both ran towards it from opposing angles.  I shouted at them “One of you.”, but with neither prepared to back down they continued on a collision course until Wham they crashed into each other  knocking themselves to the ground.  It was a cross between the closing scenes of the Benny Hill show and a tackle that any rugby player would be proud of.  It still makes me laugh recalling it now.

Anyway back to the game, Tim and Ben were brought back on as the opposition started to close in on our total.  Tim removed one and Ben another, the home-side were now 166-7.  worryingly though there opening batsman was still there just short of his 100. Then in the 31st over came the potential match winning breakthrough we so desperately needed.  With Wilson firing in from the pub end of the ground their opening bat presented a little soft ‘dolly catch’ to mid wicket, but the cheers soon turned to tears as it was subsequently dropped.  Now for legal reasons I am not permitted to name this monied person as I have been contacted by his legal team informing me that he has taken out one of those super-injunctions banning his name from being released in the press.  All I can say is within the realms of the cricketing world his identity is about as big a secret as Ryan Giggs’ and that welsh bird from Big Brother.  However if you have not been able to figure out his identity you can find the answer on Twitter (am I allowed to say that?).  No doubt I will soon find out if his team of lawyers get hold of me in the morning.  LOL. As the overs ran out James trapped one of their men and it was 175-8 but ultimately their opening batsman steered them home and finished on 116 not out with an over and a half to go.

I would just like to say well played to everyone, after a gruelling weekend we put up one heck of a fight and deserved better – but that’s cricket.  Thanks for letting me captain the team, I thoroughly enjoyed it but hated writing the report.  My Barford man of the match was Paul Johnstone who batted beautifully for 52 and bowled 8 overs straight through for two wickets superbly.  Cheers guys.

Simon International

Tour Highs & Lows

Highs

• Three close games
• Very sociable hosts
• The Hawkins sisters stealing the show with the bat
• The Star, The Pulteney and The Old Green Tree
• Sandy’s infatuation with Babestation
• Five virgin tourists attending
• The best selection of real ale in recent tours
• Purdy being off in The Wild Duck (If I can’t drink it nobody can-yes I’m THAT petty!)
• Shawn ‘The Special One’ Harrison being unleashed on the Bath nightspots by his carers
• The Special One and Statto sharing the honeymoon suite
• Andrew Sherratt getting locked out of his room-he was only staying one night!
• The hotel proving perfectly adequate despite people insisting we move before even seeing it
• The Pulteney barmaids
• The dancing nutter in The Star
• Timmsy taking an obvious dive in an attempt to get Richard sent off
• The earth moved (3.4 on the Richter Scale) as Simon Drage took his "catch of the century"
• Judge Jolly's attack of cramp and demolishing a chair in the process - see below

Some weird tour initiation ceremony?!

Lows

• Purdy being off in The Wild Duck
• Losing three close games
• Ben’s ‘Star Turn’ on Saturday
• The hotel breakfast probably not coming from Bath’s finest deli
• Tour sec unable to sample said selection of real ale
• Dr Hook’s ‘If Not You’ blasting out of the Morris car stereo
• Hotel’s parking rip off
• Phil's never ending over
• Chairman STILL drinking Campari

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